The last couple of months has been a painful time of grief and gratitude. My older brother, Darren died in September. Althought not completely unexpected as he had been dealing with the damage from a stroke three years prior, the news of his decline and death over those last few weeks came as a shock. Our relationships with our siblings are often the longest, and if we are lucky, one of the most impactful relationships we will ever have. The shared history of childhood, connection to parents and extended family, and bonds of solidarity create a powerful web of connection between siblings.

I am one of three, Darren was three years older and my younger brother, Danny is just 15 months younger so we grew through childhood sharing many activities, experiences and the shared bond of being the children of the same mother and father. Being the middle child and only girl likely shaped me in many different ways. My competitive nature, love of the outdoors, and resilience can be traced back to a childhood that was rough and tumble. My brothers were my playmates, my protectors, at times my tormentors but always a huge part of my daily life. We played, rode bikes, climbed trees, rode horses, swam, threw rocks, built forts. teased, and learned so many life lessons along the way. We did not have alot of money growing up. Our family vacations were usually road trips which consisted of plenty of fun and adventure but also fighting for the window seat and annoying each other until my dad would utter those famous words…….”don’t make me stop this car”.

Of course, as we grew into adulthood, our lives took different paths but regardless of the distance between us, the bonds of blood remained strong and loving. There were aspects of sibling rivalry, judgement, and differences but that never changed the fact that we love each other deeply and ultimately without reservation. Life dealt all of us some big challenges, painful chapters, and growth that would only serve to remind us of that bond. The challenges and choices that we each dealt with would also cause resentments and regrets but that didn’t ever change the love.

Darren was a joker, a prankster, and easy to love. The stroke took away the gift of his speech. I missed hearing his jokes, sharing updates about our lives, and commiserating about our aging parents and ultimately the loss of our parents. I live eight hours from Darren’s home so day to day, nothing much has changed. But missing him means for the first time in my over 60 years of life, I don’t have my big brother.

We just celebrated the first Thanksgiving since Darren’s passing. That was the holiday that we most often got to celebrate together in adulthood. I have so many happy memories of those times together, laughing, reminiscing, and simply enjoying our forever bond. I am embracing my grief because it is evidence of our deep love and connection that has been so much of the life blood for the three of us. As I feel the pain of loss, I am so grateful for the life that we shared.

Darren has two sons, Beau and Will who are wonderful men and in large part because of the man that Darren was in life. I am grateful for my connection to them both. I will continue to honor Darren’s memory and all that he means to me by the way that I continue to love and live. It was so difficult to see him suffer and I pray that he is resting in peace. I piece of my heart died when he died and that is what it means to love and be loved. I believe that we will be reunited someday and our hearts will be whole. I will carry on because all that it means to be his sister still lives in me.

I love you, Darren.